What is the most significant advantage of being in a living apart relationship?

Live in relationships are more common than you might think. Everyone has different thoughts and perceptions which would lead them to accept or disapprove of such relationships. While there are many reasons for a couple to decide to move in together, it involves a certain kind of responsibility- one that you might need to evaluate yourself on before you decide to take this step in your relationship.

The very advantage of being in a live-in relationship, is its biggest disadvantage- Lack of Commitment. It is assumed that human relationships are weak and complex. Because of all the pressure and responsibilities that come with marriage, couples prefer being in cohabitation to satisfy their various needs. However, a married couple will make every possible effort to save their relationship, and seek solutions to problems and misunderstanding before splitting up than the people in a live-in relationship. Despite the many debates that spark in the minds of people when it comes to live-in relationships, there are positives and negatives to the same.

Pros

A live-in relationship is like a marriage without all the legalities and responsibilities. You get to know your partner better, and understand the other at a much deeper level. Sometimes, couples opt for a live-in relationship before they can get married to experience what it is like before you take it a step further. This is beneficial as you can evaluate the areas that you both may need to work on or if you really want to be married to your partner.

For some, it is just the pure bliss of waking up next to each other every morning, constantly being in each other’s presence and going to bed together. Some choose a live-in relationship because they cannot handle the type of commitment a marriage entails. In such cases, the couple finds that living together without the legalities suits them and their life better. They probably do not want to risk being tied up in a messy divorce battle, should the relationship break down.

Cons

Social Censure is a great disadvantage of live-in relationship. Society finds it hard to accept such a relationship open-heartedly. It is considered as non-acceptable especially by the older generation. Couples in such type of relationship are often harassed by the society for their choice. Another disadvantage is the lack of commitment.  Any quarrel or fight can lead to a split, whereas in a marriage a fight is often followed by reasoning and resolving.

A long time into the relationship, one of the partners may feel ‘suffocated’ in the relationship due to the lack of personal space. Some may even feel a sense of monotony which causes trouble for the relationship and could eventually lead to a heart-breaking split.

For some, long-term romance includes milestones like leaving a toothbrush at each other’s place, giving each other keys, and eventually, moving in together. For a growing number of couples, though, living apart together (LAT) is way more romantic than sharing a bedroom, a bathroom, and a permanent address. Having separate addresses, for some, is the secret to a long and happy (and healthy) marriage.

What Does Living Apart Together Mean?

Living apart together (LAT) refers to couples who are in an intimate relationship, but choose to live separately for various reasons. Those reasons can be financial, personal, or both.

To learn more about this growing trend, we consulted experts Bella DePaolo and Sherrie Sims Allen. Because hey, if it works for Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Brad Falchuk, maybe it’ll work for you, too.

Meet the Expert

• Bella DePaolo is an academic, researcher, and author of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century.
• Sherrie Sims Allen, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship expert based in Los Angeles.

“We are in a whole new era of couples living apart,” explains DePaolo. Couples used to live apart mainly because they had no choice. For example, one or both had good jobs in different cities or countries that they couldn’t give up. That’s still the case for some, but the trend of choosing to live apart, regardless of your job situation, is on the rise. She adds, “What is relatively new, or newly getting recognized, are the couples living apart because they want to—or at least one person in the couple wants to."

Just like people are choosing to marry or have children later on, some are choosing to go a different route when it comes to their marriage. Especially for people who have spent their twenties and thirties single and living alone, independence can be tough to give up. “I see it as a possible growing trend as singles look at ways to connect that won’t cost them their preferred lifestyle or way of life,” offers Sims Allen. 

Here are some things to think about if you’re curious about maintaining a LAT romance.

Why Live Apart?

Couples decide to live separately for different reasons, whether it’s because they love their solitude and space, they have to be in different locations for work or financial reasons, or because they feel like not being together constantly actually strengthens their bond. “Living apart might offer some relief to couples who value their individual space as well as each other,” Sims Allen says. If you each have established careers across the country from each other, but you meet on a cross-country flight and fall in love, you might decide it’s best for both of you and your relationship to keep your jobs, at least for a few years. Or maybe one person loves the mountains and the other needs the ocean, but you make it work anyway.

“The couple loves each other, but don’t feel they need to live in the same house to express their togetherness,” Sims Allen says of people who choose to live apart because of personal preferences. “They have an arrangement that is outside the box of traditional marriage,” she adds. Maybe having your own dedicated space is crucial for your well-being, and your partner understands that. It’s a conversation that should happen early on and both partners should be on board, or at least willing to try it and see if it’s right for your relationship. 

Pros and Cons

Living apart means decorating however you want, making your own schedule, or seeing friends and relatives without feeling guilty about splitting time with your spouse. It also means seeing much less of your partner, depending on your schedules and distance and ability to come together. Sims Allen says that married couples who choose to live apart can have a “rich and intimate life that focuses on the heart of the relationship and not the daily details of existing together and running a household.” Meaning, your relationship won’t be defined by the daily stresses of whose turn it is to take out the trash or who didn’t close the kitchen cabinets. Having breaks allows your time together to be about bonding and spending quality time, instead of just time. DePaolo says that when LAT couples are together, “they focus on what they enjoy about each other and don’t spend a lot of time fretting about the small stuff.”

There are disadvantages to the arrangement, too. If there are any insecurities in the relationship, jealousy can come into play if one or both partners feels like they’re being ignored or if they worry about where their spouse is and what they’re doing.

It’s important to check in frequently and listen to how your partner is feeling about living apart.

There’s also the possibility that you’ll grow apart and seek out a new love who lives closer to home. The key to combating these challenges, according to Sims Allen, is that both partners need to remain flexible. Communicate about the fact that things aren’t working, and stay open to going the more traditional route if it’s worth it to you both. Like any relationship, it’s a process and what works well for a few months or years might not feel so ideal later on down the road.

Is It Right For You?

Having some alone time sounds amazing to most couples at some point, but make sure you’re fully committed to separate addresses and daily lives before jumping into the LAT lifestyle. Be clear about why you want to live apart and make sure one partner isn’t agreeing just to please the other. “The question becomes whether you are strong enough in your commitment to your relationship to withstand living in separate households,” Sims Allen says. 

Make no firm plans about living together or apart. Do what works for the preservation of your marriage. Sims Allen says she knows of a couple where the husband lived in South Africa and the wife was in New York. They loved where they each lived, loved their jobs, and they loved each other, so they, like a growing number of couples, made it work. 

“Having a place of your own just isn’t that unusual anymore” DePaulo says. “Sometimes it is living with someone else that takes some getting used to.”

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