Schmutzige witze was ist der unterschied zwischen erdnussbutter und marmelade

jo-SR: It is: "Yes, in 1944, but it was dark and we didnt land..."

Here some more of this stuff:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa: "Tower, wann ist unsere Startfreigabe?"
Tower: "If you want an answer you have to speak in English."
Lufthansa: "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why do I have to speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"

Tower O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight"

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able.... If you're not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. And another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. This is the exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Tower: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Tower: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Tower (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark... and we didn't land."

Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to runway 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to runway 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need pre-flight checks
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
....In der Zwischenzeit: Runway 16 hatte eine 737 mit einem Platten, Runway 14 war ueberlastet, also nahm man eine 767 von Cincinnati auf 28. Die Crew dieser 767 "DL104" war nun 8 Stunden unterwegs...
Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind
Die AZ194 hob Space-Shuttle maessig ab...

Pilot: Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns unwirtschaftlich ist.
Tower: Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie zusammenstoßen.
Pilot: Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher.

Tower: Delta Quebec Alpha, fliegen Sie in die Kontrollzone auf Steuerkurs 240 bis zum Anschneiden des Endanfluges Landebahn 14R.
Pilot: Fliege in die Kontrollzone auf Steuerkurs 240 bis zum Endeinschlag auf der 14R.

Tower: The airfield is at your 2 o'clock-position.
Pilot: Is that local time or GMT (Greenwich Mean Time)?

Pilot: LM 184 is at holding fix again (zum siebenten Mal)
Tower:What's your destination?
Pilot: standby, I forgot, I have to ask the copilot.

Tower: Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm.
Lonestar: Roger, cleared to land 18R…. Tower, we hit something
Tower: YOU DID WHAT???
Lonestar: We hit a small animal or something on the runway. Ya know, some sort of road kill or something.
Tower: UPS 31 HEAVY, be advised company that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill.
UPS 31: That's all right; we'll flatten it out a little and we have informed already our caterer!

LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check
Tower: It's Tuesday, Sir.

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Tower: Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see, I think Tuesday would be nice...

Pilot: Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
Pilot:(Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker.
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
Tower: You can believe me, this is Vienna
Pilot: (Nach einer erneuten Pause) But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
Tower: Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

Tower: Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen Sie über Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und Mike zum GAT.
Pilot: Ah...Teerweg zwo...?
Tower: Das ist der kleine rechts. Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt.
Pilot: Sorry.
Tower: Don't worry, nehmen Sie den Mike.
Pilot:Ah, ...Mike ?
Tower:Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts...

Pilot: Condor 471, gibt's hier keinen Follow-me ?
Tower: Negativ, sehen Sie mal zu, wie Sie allein zum Gate 10 kommen.

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Tower: Phantom-Formation crossing control zone without clearance, state your call sign!
Pilot: I'm not silly...

Tower (Stuttgart): Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
Pilot: Das ist ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibt's auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten...Aber wir sind ja flexibel
Tower: Wir auch. Reduce to 173 knots

Pilot: Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
Tower: Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination?
Pilot: Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig.
Tower: Aber, wir haben heute Dienstag!
Pilot: WAS? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!

Tower: Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?
Pilot: Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot.

Pilot: Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light.
Tower: Ich hoffe, da brennen mehrere.
Pilot: Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt.

Tower: Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading.
Pilot: Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345...

Tower: Lufthansa 893, number one, check car on the runway.
Pilot: Roger. We'll check the car on the runway.

Tower: Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?
Pilot: Affirm, but we don't receive it.

Tower :Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
Pilot: Say again.
Tower: Squawk 0476.
Pilot: Four, zero...?
Tower: Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?

Tower: Delta Bravo Charlie, ist Ihr Squawk wirklich sieben null vier sechs?
Pilot: Positiv.
Tower: Ich mag's kaum glauben, Sie haben eine angezeigte Hohe von minus neunzig Fuss.

Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain.
Pilot: Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100.
Tower: Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain.
Pilot: Aber vier plus sechs ist doch zehn, oder?
Tower: Sie sollen steigen, nicht addieren.

Tower: DE..., fliegen Sie weiter im Gegenanflug fur die 26, Landenummer 2 hinter einer DC 9 im kurzen Endteil.
Pilot: Verstanden, fliege weiter fuer die 29 und folge der DC 6.
Tower: Nicht ganz richtig: Die Landebahn war 26 und Verkehr eine DC9.
Pilot: Okay, ich folge der DC 26... Wie war die Landebahn ?

Pilot: Frankfurt Information, hier Delta Bravo Zulu. Wir sind jetzt über Dinkelsbuhl in Flugfläche 95.
Tower: Sie sollten doch München Information rufen !
Pilot:J a, weiß ich, aber bei Ihnen gefällt mir das Programm besser

Tower-Lotse zum Piloten eines Charterflugzeuges nach einer harten Landung: Eine Landung soll ja kein Geheimnis sein. Die Passagiere sollen ruhig wissen, wenn sie unten sind.
Pilot: Macht nichts, die klatschen trotzdem.